The Rolling Stones famously sang, “You can’t always get what you want.”
I ask, “Why not?”
We rarely get exactly what we want, and why is that?
Whether we want something reasonable or we’re looking at a pipe dream, most people don’t get it, and everyone tells you it may not happen.
I think the failure comes not from an inherent lack of skill or impossibility, but because you’re not doing it right.
This is where this post comes in. Today, my friends, I’m super excited to look at why people don’t get what they want with you, and help you achieve your goals.
The steps to getting what you want are decptively simple as long as you don’t overcomplicate things with your ego and relying on what others are telling you.
- Accept you don’t have what you want.
- Articulate what it is you want.
- Deny the excuses.
- Step into your greatness.
- Control your story.
Let’s dive in, my friends, and see if we can change our lives for the better.
Accept What You Have And What You Don’t
I believe simplicity equals success in so many ways.
If things are simple, maybe I can do it.
I’m not that complicated of a person. However, that’s really served me well in my life because I think that people overcomplicate things with their ego.
They subconsciously believe that things have to be hard in order to have value.
Think about that.
Does your life need to be difficult in order for your ego to feel satisfied?
Is it creating something of an accomplishment to do a thing just because it’s hard?
Work through that in your own mind for a moment.
Let me ask you a question.
Do you have what you want?
Of course you don’t.
That’s one of the reasons we’re joining together here today.
This can be quantified at different levels.
Do I have everything that I want? No, not yet.
However, I’ve created the things that I want in the core key components of my life.
Learn From Others
Here are key things my mentors, spiritual leaders, movers, and shakers of the world know.
Realize you can take value from one person.
You don’t have to take everything that they do.
For example, there are certain things I really respect about how Steve Jobs ran Apple when he was at the helm.
There are also certain things that I would never want to model or mirror within my own companies and with my own team as a leader.
So let’s not get stuck on that person or that situation, let’s look at where certain value can come from.
Do you have what you want? Probably not.
Ultimately you want to keep on growing, learning, accomplishing that’s cool progress is where it’s all at.
Do You Know What You Want?
The second thing is:
Do you know what you want? That’s a really big question.
I do a lot of coaching and strategy sessions, and if I hop on to a Zoom or video call this is one of the first things I ask.
Do you really know what you want?
In life? In business?
What I’ve realized and what many others have realized during our sessions is that they don’t know what they really want.
If I asked you, dear reader, this question right now, many of you would find it challenging to give a clear answer.
This is our first job together. As a coach, behavior expert, and change expert, how am I supposed to help you step into your greatness if you don’t know what you want?
I want you to get out of the average and become awesome.
Many coaches will tell you over and over what your goals could or should be, but unless you pick it and realize it, it’ll mean nothing and it’ll never happen.
If you don’t know what you want, it doesn’t matter what I want for you.
It doesn’t matter what a team of coaches that I have to help you want for you at the end of the day.
What matters is what you want.
Deny The Excuses
Now stay with me.
I’m going to go blow your mind a little bit deeper.
I’m going to hold you accountable for some things.
We’ll talk some serious turkey, cut the crap, and maybe slap each other around back into reality.
One of the things our driven mind wants to create excuses wants to let us off the hook and justify not achieving.
Your mind will say things like:
- You’re doing okay.
- You’re doing better than so many other people in your trade, in your industry, in your family, in your peer group.
- These goals are tough, so they can’t all be achieved.
- You must be doing okay if you’re better off than someone eslse.
I say, stop the madness, stop lying to yourself. You’ve got more. And I want to see it.
Step Into Your Greatness
It’s time for you to step into your greatness.
Here’s one area of truth.
I’m going to hit you with right now, my friend:
You already know what you need to do. You just aren’t doing it.
“well, I really want to figure out what I’m passionate about in my life.”
You already know what you’re passionate about. You know what you want to do.
But you just don’t have the confidence, the guts, the drive, the desire to say yes to that burning passion.
The passion may be barely smoldering now because you’ve squashed it for so many years.
I believe in mindful leadership.
I believe in compassion.
And I believe in empathy.
I believe everybody’s doing the best they can.
You know what you need to do what we need to do.
Control Your Story
Once you accept that you already know what you want and quite making excuse, it’s time to take command of your story.
Life may throw events at you, but you control the narrative.
Katie may say: “I’m 20 pounds overweight.”
Well then stop eating so much. Maybe you need to go to the gym.
Maybe you need to change some rules that you have around your situation.
Now, I say it lovingly.
Stop telling yourself that your story already has an answer.
If you’re saying:
- If only I could join this group…
- When I learn how to do this better…
- If only this hadn’t happened to me…
- If only someone would give me a chance…
That’s not the answer. We want to change the story that you’re telling yourself, my friend.
Whether it’s gym, whether it’s food, whether it’s finance, whether it’s my health, or my relationships…whatever it is, maybe I need to dive in and change that story.
Have you been leading your life, or has your life been leading you?
This is a question we all need to ask ourselves on the path to getting what we want in leadership, in business, and in life.
A Piece Of My Story
If you watch some of my early keynotes, I talked a lot about how my father was murdered.
I’ll still tell that story in speeches and seminars when needed, but now I’ll do it intentionally.
I realized early in my career I was telling that story for my own circumstance. To benefit my own realization and use it as an excuse.
“People look at me. This happened to me. I must be doing OK, but this happened to me, and I’m getting through it.”
I was letting this event, tragic though it was, control my story.
Eventually, I said to myself:
“Look, your father was murdered when you were 21. You’re done. Okay, stop it.
A lot of people’s parents get killed.
What’s the difference if he was taken in an auto accident, took his own life, was shot and killed at war, got himself killed in a motorcycle situation, or whatever?”
It doesn’t matter at the end of the day because that’s an external situation.
What I do with it and how I process it is what’s important.
Now I need to change the story of what I’m telling myself.
Most people don’t get what they want because they are unwilling to go into the next level of realizing what the story is.
Homework For Getting What You Want
Here’s what I’m going to give you. I want you to write this down to the number.
People don’t get what they want because of the word, focus.
We are focusing on the wrong things.
I’m focusing on why I am this way.
I’m focused on the problem that I have rather than focusing on the solution.
How about this?
Make a pact that for the rest of your life, you can never talk about your problems again.
One of my mentors did this to me recently.
So let’s check it out.
You cannot talk about problems with anybody.
Only can talk about the solution.
That’s what I’m telling you right now.
You can’t talk about problems anymore. Only talk about the solution.
It’s one of the realities that we have in the world.
Problem-based thinking creates the problem. Solution-based thinking creates the solution.
That’s where we want to hang out.
When I got out of the United States Army, I realized that I wanted to become an entrepreneur.
I wanted to get paid for my performance.
I focused on how I get self-employed.
And I became self-employed from that focus.
And I ended up being a dead broke, drain cleaner because I was self-employed.
I got what I focused on, but not ultimately what I wanted.
So I changed my focus. I said:
“I’m going to focus on business. I want to learn more about business.”
The next thing you know I’ve got different business.
I’ve got auto detailer shops, diaper cleaning and delivery service, and more.
How? My focus was on business.
My focus still wasn’t on exactly what I wanted for my life.
What about you?
How is this show up for you at the end of the day?
Where do you need to change your focus?
I had a conversation with someone about this, and they said their focus, what they wanted, was to make $20 million.
I asked: “Why $20 million?”
He said that’s what he heard “successful” people were earning.
Do you really think this is how these leaders think? Is that number their focus?
These people who have $20 million, I bet they want more now, maybe $500 million.
Do you really want 20 million?
Or is your goal to be financially secure, so you can enjoy your life with your friends and family?
Is your goal actually to build a business that helps people?
Think about what you really want, my friend.
This will set you free, my friends.
Go and make it a better than fantastic week.
About Kenny Chapman
Kenny Chapman’s mission is to help driven leaders build their ideal lives and careers (even if they don’t know what that looks like yet). He is an award-winning authority on helping people discover their true potential and make the simple, though not always easy, necessary changes.
Kenny is a professionally trained speaker, consultant, columnist, author of The Six Dimensions of Change 2.0 and In-Home Sales Acceleration, and host of the Leadership in a Nutshell podcast. He is an entrepreneur at heart, building multiple successful companies, most recently the Blue Collar Success Group. His teachings have inspired individuals worldwide to reshape their lives and organizations, creating sustainable change, happiness, and personal fulfillment.